I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
