About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
