I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
