2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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