Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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