rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
