I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
