I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
