Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
