The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
