Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
