Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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