Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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