also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
