i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
