She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
my shit smells like andre
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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