The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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