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literally had 100 drinks last night.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
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