have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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