allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
