dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
