Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
