I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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