I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
