when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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