I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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