they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
