Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
