I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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