Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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