Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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