I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
