When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i love accidental penises.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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