I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
