either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
