Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
