The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
