Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
being pregnant is like rehab
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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