she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
