No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
