Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
