Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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