I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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