i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
