I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
