Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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