Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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