Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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