so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
