I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
