He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
