I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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