oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
