Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
