i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
