so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
